The Reliability of Apocalypses
by She Who Cannot Be Turned
Summary: Michael wasn't anything like what the Winchesters had been led to believe. Though, considering The Host had done nothing but lie to them since this began, they really should have been so surprised. Preslash. 5.08 spoilers


**Title**: The Reliability of Apocalypses According to Saint Michael, the Archangel.

**Author**: She Who Cannot Be Turned

**Fandoms**: Supernatural

**Warnings**: Violence, blasphemy, strong language, Sammy angst, insanity.

**Rating**: PG13

**Summary**: _Michael wasn't anything like what the Winchesters had been led to believe. Though, considering The Host had done nothing but lie to them since this began, they really should have been so surprised. _

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of this!

**Pairing**: preslash Dean/Castiel, preslash Michael/Gabriel/Sam (if you squint)

**Status**: Complete

**Word** **Count**: ~ 4,600 words

**Notes**: So me and Shiro Kurisutaru were chatting and brainstorming, which apparently leaves us open and susceptible to blunnies. Anywho, I absently commented that I wanted to write a nice Michael fic, and erm… it turned into this. So… yeah. Enjoy?

* * *

Sam and Dean stood at the entrance of the warehouse that they been trapped in by the Trickster, glaring at the apparent angel trapped in the circle of Holy Oil. Sam couldn't help but wonder which angel he actually was, and why he'd been messing with them for years. The Trickster suddenly clapping made Sam jerk out of his thoughts and stare at the trapped Trickster/angel/thing. Sam could feel a headache forming.

"Well played, boys. Well played. Where'd you get the Holy Oil?" The Trickster asked, annoyance evident behind his apparent humour. Sam saw Dean mirk and silently groaned at what the answer was going to be.

"Well, you might say we pull it out of Sam's ass." Dean said, and Sam mentally groaned whilst throwing an appropriate bitchface at Dean.

"Where'd I screw up?"

"You didn't. Nobody gets the jump on Cas like you did." Sam admitted, before Dean could try and one up the Trickster on the comedy front, and Sam became tempted to throw himself in the burning oil.

"Mostly it was the way you talked about Armageddon." Dean added with a shrug, and the Trickster narrowed his eyes at them and then tilted his head in a way so reminiscent of Castiel, that Sam wondered if it was just an angel thing.

"Meaning?"

"Well, call it personal experience, but nobody gets that angry unless they're talking about their own family." Dean told him lightly, and Sam just knew he was speaking from their own experiences.

"So which one are you? Grumpy, Sneezy or Douchey?" Sam finally asked, curiosity getting the most of him. The answer, however, was interrupted by an explosive sneeze and a crash, as a tall (and Sam meant tall, he was about Sam's own height), red headed man appeared in the warehouse. Sam was bemused to note that the red headed stranger looked just as confused as they felt. Though the Trickster just looked exasperated.

"Loki? What are you doing in… that?" The new comer asked, waving absently at the ring of fire, and making 'Loki' sigh. Sam took a note of the smooth lilting accent and tried to place where it was from, but came up blank in the presence of such confusion.

"Having a party, wanna join me? Or want to get me out of here? Oh, and say hello to the Winchesters. You know, _those_ two." Loki drawled, sneering at Sam and Dean before looking back at the other guy. Said other guy was looking at Sam and Dean in confusion, which then morphed to a sheepish grin.

"Oh, wait, is that Apocalypse thing now? Aw, I think I've gotten my dates wrong then! Really? Now? Oh bugger!" Going by Loki's frustrated mutterings about moronic Welsh gods, then Sam could guess where the other guy was from. And apparently he was a god, though Sam was too stunned by what he'd said to actually be able to say anything. At all. Thankfully however, Dean didn't seem to have the same problem.

"What the hell? Who are you and how'd you know that douche? Who hasn't told us _his_ name either!" Dean added with a vicious glare to Loki, who just sagged in his 'cage'. Sam noticed that Loki's reaction to Dean's anger made the other god bristle and begin to lose the spacey persona, but instead of saying anything, he turned to look at Loki with a raised eyebrow.

"Fine! I'm Gabriel, alright? They call me Gabriel." Loki, or Gabriel, admitted with a tired shrug, shoving his hands into his pockets and actually making himself look even smaller. Sam stared at him in shock, before risking a glance to the other god, who was looking less and less harmless as the night wore on.

"The Archangel? I'm gonna say it again! What the hell? So who the fuck is he?" Dean demanded, pointing to the really pissed looking red head, making Sam vaguely remember a warning about angry red heads and taking a step away from Dean. The god sneered at Dean, and then snapped his fingers, making a bag of Skittles appear in his hands. He then opened the bag and placed a couple in his mouth, chewing on them as he thoughtfully shared a look with Gabriel. Sam frowned when he noticed Gabriel shrug.

"I'm Aeron. The Welsh god of battle and slaughter." The man, Aeron apparently, told them, and Sam had the irrational urge to shudder. "And you, you are Dean Winchester. Interesting."

"So you're a god, then? Why the hell are you hanging around this dick?" Dean asked with a wave towards Gabriel, who winced. Sam winced too, and then felt it wise to take another step away from Dean and closer to Gabriel, which earned him an amused glance from the Archangel.

"Huh, you really are the smarter brother. I'd begun to wonder. Sorry about the herpes, by the way." Gabriel muttered to him quietly, and Sam snorted and shook his head in disbelief, before turning back to Dean and Aeron when he heard Aeron snap his fingers again.

"That a god thing?" Sam whispered, watching as Aeron took a step towards Dean, who seemed to notice the trouble he now seemed to be in.

"That _dick_ is my baby brother."

"No, an Archangel thing." Gabriel whispered back, and Sam's eyes widened as he realised there was really only one Archangel it could be.

"Fuck."

"What? Dude, that's Gabriel. If you're a god, how the hell is _he_ your brother?" Dean demanded, and Sam groaned quietly, whilst Gabriel snicker before whining.

"Got any popcorn? This could be good." Gabriel whispered, and Sam turned to gape at him.

"Your brothers going to smite mine! How is this good? That's… that's _Michael_!" Sam hissed at him, and Gabriel snickered and shrugged.

"Nah, Mikey won't smite Dean. Got any Skittles? Or rabbits? Or a shiny penny?" Gabriel hissed back at him, and Sam took his eyes away from Dean and Michael, to gape at Gabriel.

"He's a god too, you know. Loki? Trickster god of the Norse." Aeron/Michael pointed out, but Dean just shrugged and sneered.

"He lied! He's not a real god though, is he?" Dean said, arms pinwheeling around in his anger.

"It'll distract him. Pyschotic fucker, but with the attention span and mind of a hyper three year old. Lob something shiny at him and your brother will be fine." Gabriel told him before Sam could actually ask why that would help. Sam continued to gape, but frantically searched his pockets, coming up with a memory stick.

"This?"

"Of course he's a real god. He _is_ Loki. You think if he wasn't, that the real Loki would allow Gabriel to masquerade as him? Just as I'm a god too." Michael pointed out, taking another step closer to Dean, whilst Sam shot a look to Gabriel.

"Yeah sure, that might work. It's small, looks expensive and breakable. Kids would love it. Go for it. Quick. Your brother's a dick, but Michael might be upset if he actually _did_ kill him. Not to mention how Castiel would feel." Gabriel added with a wrinkle of his nose.

"Oh good, you noticed that too, did you? Glad it's not just me then. Right. Um… what should I call him?" Sam asked, pausing midstep and getting an amused look from Gabriel.

"Michael might shock him enough to let go of your brother's throat." Gabriel commented, making Sam's head snap round to look at where Michael had lifted Dean from the floor by his throat.

"Balls." Sam muttered, then stepped away from Gabriel and towards his brother and the hostile Archangel. Who was also the oldest and probably strongest Archangel. Not to mention a god of slaughter. Oh, Sam was feeling positive about this plan. Swallowing heavily, he shot one last glance to Gabriel, then back to Michael and Dean… who was looking rather red. "Michael!"

The glare Dean shot him as he was dropped to the floor was completely undeserved, Sam felt. But Michael had let Dean go to look at Sam in confusion. And apparently the head tilting thing _was_ an angel thing. Sam was fairly certain that birds did that too. Not that he'd ever say it out loud.

"And you must be Sam. You having dreams yet, Samuel?" Michael asked, turning to face Sam and taking a step towards him.

"Erm… shiny?" Sam asked, throwing the memory stick to Michael, who caught it, and ignoring the disbelieving glare Dean was shooting him.

"Dude!" Dean croaked out, before coughing from using his abused throat. However, Sam felt justified in his actions and mentally sent a thank you to Gabriel, as Michael was enthralled by the small piece of silver plastic.

"This is… what's this? Loki, we should use these. They're… nope. I have no idea what this is." Michael said, looking past Sam to where Gabriel was still standing in the circle of fire.

"Awesome, Mike. Can we please let me out of here? I don't tan. It's the fair hair." Gabriel whined, tugging on a lock of hair to prove his point. Sam used the angels' distraction to move and help Dean to stand up, letting his brother lean on him heavily whilst he caught his breath.

"Dean, it's Michael. We need to get out of here." Sam whispered to Dean, causing Dean to stiffen against him.

"No. Cas." Dean whispered back, and Sam wanted to groan, but knew his brother was right.

"Stay here." Sam hissed to Dean, moving slightly to make Dean lean against the wall, then turning back to the two Archangels.

Who were currently ruining any remaining thoughts Sam had had about Archangels, by bickering and whining about the heat of the fire. Though they both turned to face him when he cleared his throat.

"Um… Gabriel? We… we were wondering if you could bring Cas back from wherever you'd sent him?" Sam asked, and Gabriel sneered at him and then pointedly glanced at the fire, whilst Michael just stared at Sam, making Sam twitch. "Ah, right… hang on then, I'll just see if…"

"Sam!"

"Dean! He won't bring him back until we let him out the trap, which seems pretty damn fair to me! He saved your ass, Dean." Sam said, turning back around to face Dean, who sent him his own passable impression of Sam's bitchface, before shrugging and reaching for the sprinklers, freezing at Sam's shout. "No!"

"Er… Not to complain, or anything, but… why?"

"I'm with Deano on this one. Why are we not letting me out?" Gabriel called out, and Sam muttered under his breath for patience. "We're angels, we hear you pray!"

"Shut up! Look, that's an oil based fire, right? Water won't put it out. It'll make it spread. You following me? Deep and crisp and even will have a whole new meaning to you if he pulls that trigger." Sam pointed out, and Dean pulled his hand away from the handle, whilst Gabriel's eyes widened and Michael snorted in amusement.

"So… another plan then? Without… risk of me frying?" Gabriel asked, and Sam nodded his head, before biting his lip.

"Can you conjure up some sand, maybe? I don't know. It's a magical flame, so it may not actually work. I'm drawing a blank on any other ideas though." Sam admitted weakly, and Gabriel shot him a thankful look, before looking at Michael.

"Mikey?"

"Fine, fine." Michael sighed, before snapping his fingers and making a large bag of sand appear by his feet, and another appear next to Sam's.

"Let's hope it works, no?" Sam asked, before hefting up the bag and carrying it over to the fire. He then scrunched his nose in thought before shrugging. "New plan."

"What? Why?"

"So here's what we do. We just… use the bags as a sort of bridge and hope it holds whilst Gabriel climbs across." Sam told Michael and Gabriel, ignoring the snort from Dean, behind him.

"Hope it works?" Gabriel asked in a slightly panicky voice.

"You're an angel, aren't you supposed to be beings of hope?"

"Yeah! We _give_ you guys hope! We know you're pretty much fucked though, when we do! We don't feel it!" Gabriel hissed, and Michael snickered once again, making Gabriel glare at him. "You're not helping."

"I'm giving you hope?" Michael asked more than stated, and Sam's lips twitched in amusement, whilst Dean chuckled behind them. "Does it help that I don't know if you're fucked?"

"No! Oh, just do it and get it over with." Gabriel muttered, and Sam nodded, before looking at Michael. The Archangel moved to stand next to Sam, and on a mental count of three, Sam and Michael both dropped their bags of sand over the fire and then jumped back to allowed Gabriel to quickly make his way over the makeshift bridge. The fire closed over the bags seconds after Gabriel crossed, and Sam smiled widely.

"It worked!" Sam exclaimed happily, smiling at Gabriel, who smirked back at him.

"Yeah, thanks, Sasquatch." Gabriel muttered, before all three turned to face Dean when he cleared his throat.

"Cas?" Dean said, actually tapping his foot as he crossed his arms over his chest, which made Sam wonder if they had maybe spent a little too long inside TVLand.

"Yeah, yeah, fine." Gabriel muttered, throwing another glance over his shoulder at the fire and shuddering. Michael spoke up before Gabriel could do anything about Castiel though.

"Cas? As in Castiel? Thursday Angel? Tiny little thing? Big blue wings? All innocence and naïve Grace? He's here? _Here_?" Michael asked, and Sam wasn't sure if the angel was angry, impressed or shocked. Gabriel however, grimaced and nodded his head.

"Yeah, he's the one that groped Dean tight and rose him from perdition." Gabriel said, trying to inject some humour into it apparently, though it seemed to have failed judging by the anger on Michael's face.

"Gripped! He _gripped_ me tight! Dude!" Dean exclaimed, and Sam snorted in amusement, but quickly lost his amusement when Michael turned to look at Gabriel with narrowed eyes.

"Where is he, Gabriel?" Michael asked, and Sam noted that it was the first time Michael had actually called Gabriel by his true name. The wince from Gabriel indicated that it wasn't a common thing.

"I sent him to your favourite show! Or… my version of it." Gabriel admitted quietly, shuffling slightly, and making Sam make a protesting noise in the back of his throat when he realised the angel was starting to inch behind him.

"Gavin and Stacey?"

"No, the other one."

"Who cares? Bring him back!" Dean demanded, and Sam actually jumped and shot a sheepish look to his brother, who he'd actually forgotten was there in the presence of two completely bizarre archangels.

"Fine." Gabriel snapped, then clicked his fingers, making Castiel appear, looking slightly ruffled and confused.

"Those were _not_ angels." Castiel said, before noticing Gabriel and Michael, and gasping, stepping away from them and towards Dean. Sam was unsure if he wished to protect Dean or just be near him.

"Hey, Cas." Sam said, before holding back the urge to snigger when Dean started to fuss over the angel, who didn't take his eyes away from the two next to Sam.

"Samuel. Gabriel. Michael." Castiel's voice became a little less sure at the second Archangel, but he kept his face blank, whilst Dean moved closer to him, making Sam mentally roll his eyes. Even when faced with possible death by smiting from insane angels, and the eye-fucking went on.

"I hear ya, Sammy." Gabriel muttered, and Sam's eyes widened in horror as he stared at Gabriel, realising that meant Gabriel could read his mind.

"Stay out of my head!"

"Oh! Are we not supposed to do that? I forget. Is it humans that get pissy when we read their minds, or cats?" Michael asked, snapping up another bag of Skittles, oblivious to the disbelieving stares. "What?"

"It is humans, Michael." Castiel said, voice still sounding a little unsure, though Sam considered that this time it was due to Castiel not being sure of Michael's mental state.

'_I'll forgive you for everything you've ever done to me, including killing my brother hundreds of times over and over for no real reason, if you find some way to stop the eye fucking and damned sexual tension that practically chokes you.'_ Sam thought, trying to mentally direct it towards Gabriel, judging by the giggle form Gabriel, before he covered it with a cough, Sam guessed it worked.

"Deal, Sammy." Gabriel muttered, and Sam shot him a look then and nodded. Castiel stepping towards the trio (and Sam thought it was odd that he was still standing on the side of the two Archangels that had no sanity) drew Sam and Gabriel's attention back to the matter at hand.

"Dean nor Sam will say yes, bringing Michael along will not force Dean to say yes, either." Castiel pointed out carefully, though he did shoot a confused look to Michael when he made an insulted noise.

"Er! Why would I want him to yes? This body is perfect for me! I don't wan' another one!" Michael said, sneering at Dean as he looked him up at down. "Dean's too small for me, anyway. If I had to choose, I'd have gone for Sam's body."

"He's Luci's, Mike." Gabriel muttered, and no one missed the slight flinch the name brought from Michael before he covered it with a bright smile.

"So? He can't kick me out if I'm already in there! Like… celestial squatters rights!" Michael exclaimed, and Sam was stuck between being horrified by the thought, or amused. He chose amusement.

"Er…" Sam finally decided to speak up. Out loud, as opposed to sending random insults and jokes to Gabriel mentally to see if he was still listening in on his thoughts. The twitching of his lips gave him away. "Don't I have to agree to this first? And also, you seem to be doing fine with what you have right there."

"I was just stating how it could go down. But you're right. I like this body, thanks. No need for another Winchester to offer themselves up." Michael said with a shrug, making Sam wonder exactly what he meant by that. However, he had other things to wonder about.

"Will you help us? With this whole Apocalypse thing? Both of you? I mean, you don't want Dean to say yes anymore, right? Can't you help us?" Sam asked them, looking from Gabriel to Michael and using his, as Dean calls them, Puppy dog eyes to their full extent.

"We left to get out of this. The fighting and the hatred. We left to get away. You think Michael has always been this scatty? You think I've always been this uncaring? Castiel, do you remember us being like this before?" Gabriel asked, and Castiel looked startled at the question, before frowning and shrugging. Michael stepped forward and placed a hand on Gabriel's shoulder, speaking up for Castiel.

"Gabriel, Castiel probably doesn't remember us. We left when he was just Created. He was one of the last angels to be formed by Dad. He was a fledgling." Michael said softly, and Sam looked at Castiel in shock, trying to imagine a baby angel, and snorting at the adorable image in his head.

"So you don't… they left before you… Why was Cas sent to get me then, if he's so young?" Dean asked, sounding confused. Gabriel shrugged and Michael sneered.

"How would we know? We weren't there. And neither of us would have allowed it. I remember all the fledges in the last nest with Castiel. They were cute, didn't get to see how Heaven was when we were first created and it truly was peace, paradise so to speak. But they were born _after_ the fighting. When things weren't perfect, but still… the fighting had stopped at least." Michael admitted with a shrug, frown on his face as he remembered.

"So why'd you leave?" Sam asked softly, not quite understanding why they left if they'd stayed for the worst of it.

"It wasn't the worst. The fighting was bad, yes. But the so called peace afterwards? That was… it wasn't right. So many had been killed or cast down to Hell. And no one was actually happy with how things had settled, they just knew not to speak up about it. Look what happened to the last angel that did that. Locked in Hell. I—" Gabriel broke off and shrugged, making Michael step even closer to him and press against his younger brother.

"Gabriel and Lucifer were the last two Archangel's to be Created. They were the youngest and Gabriel was… he was different. The Bible got some things right, and some things wrong. But Gabriel was the messenger. Our Father never created Gabriel to fight. The fighting and bloodshed damaged Gabriel's grace, and I'd already lost one baby brother. Raph was… well he'd never really gotten on with the rest of us. Me, Lucifer and Gabriel were closer than Raph was to any of us. I guess it was because I was the oldest and felt responsible for them. Raphael was the typical middle child." Michael admitted with a snicker, whilst Gabriel shook his head, soft smile on his lips.

"After the war, the final one before we left, I wasn't the same. Lucifer had been cast down, Raphael was turning into some sort of military commander and Michael was still hurting from having to send Lucifer down in the first place. So I decided to leave Heaven. Only, Michael found out. Still have no idea how, actually."

"You've never been very good at hiding your thoughts. I found out Gabriel was going to leave without informing anyone. I didn't want to lose my other little brother, so I left with him. The rest, as they say, is history. Important part of that, is we didn't go to all this trouble to hide ourselves, just to be dragged back into it. I _can't_ be expected to trap Lucifer again, never mind kill him!" Michael exclaimed, and Sam felt any hope that he'd felt realising he may be able to get the two powerful angels on their side, die a miserable death. And his feeling of utter helplessness rose and threatened to overwhelm him.

And given the topic of conversation, no one was actually paying attention to Sam's thoughts anymore, so no one actually picked up on it.

"So you won't help us then?" Sam asked in a soft voice, looking at the two, but not bothering with any pleading looks.

"We can't." Gabriel stated with more force than Sam thought was necessary, but Sam just sighed and nodded his head.

"But it's the Apocalypse! The end of the damned world! All of this, all your followers or whatever, they're gonna be caught in the crossfire! Don't you care about them, either?" Dean demanded, whilst Sam accepted the fact that nothing they did anymore was actually going to convince the two angels to help them. If anything, it'll just piss them off even more.

"See, the thing about Apocalypses is, they're sort of like buses, you know? They're never on time. They're either early or they're late. And if they're late, then at least two of the buggers come along at once, right!" Michael explained, and Dean just glared at him blankly, whilst Sam tried to see where this was going, but was coming up blank. "What you have to be thankful for, is that this one is early!"

"What?" Dean asked, and really, what else was there to say?

"What he's saying is, Apocalypses are a dime a dozen with you humans. You really are quite remiss with all your omens and shit. Sure, this one is the real deal, but, we've been on Earth for over a millennia now, and we've been around since before you strange little creatures actually learnt to walk upright. In reality, this planet has experienced an oncoming Apocalypse more times than Hollywood is actually made films about it. They get tiring. And we don't want anything to do with them. Especially not this one." Gabriel explained, and Sam could feel his jaw drop in shock, before closing it with a snap.

"Okay. Right. Guess we'll go then. We won't tell anyone where you are." Sam told them, then turned to face Dean and Castiel, who were both watching him with a conflicting expressions. Though disappointment seemed to be prominent on both of their faces. Sam could get that Castiel was probably feeling it the most, given the last of his family had just abandoned him.

"We're just going? Letting them get away with all this shit! We're not even going to fight to get them on side? Sam?" Dean asked, and Sam just shrugged and glanced at Castiel, who nodded his head, agreeing with Sam's decision.

"What's the point? Who are we to ask them to help us kill their brother? We can't do that, Dean." Sam told his brother with a shrug. Dean stared at him, before sighing and nodding in defeat.

"Fine. Come on, let's go." Dean muttered, and the three left the warehouse, none looking back to the other Archangels, though they could feel their presence still inside.

Sam sighed when the sunlight hit him, and he saw the Impala. He couldn't help but feel completely overwhelmed by everything going on. And, as he glanced at Dean resting his forehead on the Impala, looking a picture of defeat, and with Castiel standing almost pressed to Dean's side, Sam felt a flash of loneliness.

Still, there was an upside to all of this, Sam supposed. Dean no longer had the constant fear of being forced to say yes to Michael. Dean was safe from that at least. Shame Sam wasn't, really.

**A/N - High chances I'll write at least a sequel to this. If only because I'd feel mean leaving Sammy all alone in the world. *snort* Bless his adorable mop-head. **


End file.
